Tuesday, August 31, 2010

Strong & Sexy Exercise DVD: Watching But Not Doing Part 1

A couple of weeks ago, I entered a contest at Fit Fig & Friends to win the Poise Strong & Sexy exercise DVD. I won. I promised Fig and some other Pajibans that I would record myself doing the workout and then post it since the DVD cover makes this workout look crazy as hell. I decided that I should watch the DVD before I attempt to do the exercises on camera. (Don't worry, I'll still look a fool when I do this.) Once the credits started, I knew I had to share the bat-shit crazy within this tape. You're welcome.

First up was the whole "Don't do these exercises without talking to a doctor first", which no one ever does. Then we see a woman who is obviously older but trying to stay young through exercise and plastic surgery. This is our guide to being strong and sexy, Dr. Teri Jory. She has long blonde hair that is not natural (and possibly has some extensions in it), and she's wearing stiletto heels, a bathing suit cut low and then tied to showcase her grapefruit shaped implants, and some sort of mesh boyshort while demonstrating kicks and punches through pieces of wood. YES I AM SERIOUS.

Next, the good Dr. talks to us about the exercises we are about to do. She tells us that they are patented or something and for intermediate to advanced worker-outers. Also, if we do this three times a week, we'll see results in less than two weeks! Wow! You only need 1, 2, and 3 pound weights to do this workout. The warm-up is very intense, says the good Dr., and involves martial arts punches. The second section is core and the third is lower body. Now she's shilling her first DVD in case this DVD is too tough for you. Now let us see what kind of crazy we've got in this workout.

Here come the stiletto and bathing suit things again. It makes you physically and mentally strong. Somehow I doubt that. I'm sure this woman's doctorate is in something like New Age Medicine or Shiny Stones. She's shilling her first DVD again. I GET IT. YOU WANT MY MONEY. Upper Body Sculpt and Warm-Up introduces us to Tracy, a four time world champion of martial arts. With love handles. Whatever, I have them too, but I've never been a champion of martial arts. Dr. Jory is wearing a low-cut black bodysuit with a cut-out back and SPARKLY BLUE ACCENTS. The woman is wearing a sewn on sparkly blue garter on her right leg. Dude.  This sexy, I do not think it means what she thinks it means.

Meanwhile, this whole warm-up seems like I could handle it. It is a bunch of work with a bar (which the Dr. DID NOT mention before. Lying liar.) and ballet type tiptoe work. Now is stretching. These arts don't look very martial to me. I almost forgot! Tracy's bikini top matches the blue on the Dr.'s bodysuit. Classy! Now we're moving on to weights and a squat. There's just a holding up of weights while looking like you need to take a dump. I'm sure I'll be crying when I do this, but it looks damn funny. So you will all enjoy it quite a bit. "Do not stick that butt out. Keep it in." Good advice from the Dr., no matter the situation. Keep that butt in.

So, the Dr. doesn't actually do any of these exercises. She just describes them and counts. Now we're doing really slow "punches" with weights. I've never seen anyone punch out and then twist their fist around, except maybe Wolverine, but he's got the adamantium claws and twisting makes sense. The best part about this workout? They are barefoot. I hate shoes. So I'm stoked that I'll be all barefoot when failing miserably at this workout. It's the little things, you know?

Ooh! We're moving more quickly with the punching twists! What the hell? She finished and yelled, "KIIIYYYAAAH!" That'll make you lose weight when you shit yourself from surprise. Gah. Now we're doing Jumping Jack Arms (it seemed like it needed capitalization). So, you don't do the jumping, you just swing your arms like you're busting out some elementary school jumping jacks with weights in your hands. And still with the squatting. The squatting hasn't stopped yet. The squat just stays in place. There isn't any up and down squatting. "We're almost done gang - sorta kinda!" What the hell does that mean, Dr.? "My boobs are real - sorta kinda!" She didn't say that one, but she should.

Now we're squatting and pretending to taunt Don Quixote with our windmill arms. Now this lying liar Dr. has one of those cushions that you strap to your arm and have someone punch or kick. I don't have one of these. IT ISN'T A WEIGHT. Ooh, nice little cut in there of the Dr. elbowing a piece of wood in half and then grimacing at the screen. Strong AND sexy. The squat has been replaced with a stance that looks a lot like a squat but is called a back stance. We're twisting elbows and back legs! "Harder. Harder. Harder." ELBOW PUNCH! That looks fun, but I see myself twisting too far and falling.

I'm creeped out by the white room they're in. I think they might be in some inter-dimensional type of place. I'm not sure if it's a heaven or hell. I'm also feeling better about myself while watching this Tracy jiggle in all the places that I jiggle as she exercises. Oh, hey! The squat is back. And it brought a friend! Back fist! And we use this to punch people behind us in the groin. Or for other things, if we find ourselves in an impromptu gang-bang.

I think that this is a squat stretch to "let your breath catch up with itself", whatever the hell that means. The Dr. is doing the cool-down. Lazy. The exercises aren't as nutty as I thought they would be, so far, but the Dr. is surpassing all expectations in the realm of fuck-nuttery. She is a superb nutbag. I think I'll leave the rest of the exercises for other posts, if anyone likes this. Or even if no one does. Maybe tomorrow I'll post the next section. And once I've done all the sections this way, I'll record myself squatting with the mad Dr.


  1. I was disappointed when you said they were barefoot - I was hoping this woman would be doing the whole routine in her stilettos.

  2. I know! I was too. I mean, I know she would have to change out the black stilettos for some sparkly blue ones, but STILL!