Wednesday, September 8, 2010

Strong and Sexy Exercise DVD: Watching But Not Doing Part II

Hey kids! It's time for the Six-pack Abs portion of the good Dr.'s Strong and Sexy workout. Will she change into another gloriously awful bodysuit? Will the six-pack abs be on another flabby martial arts champion? Is anyone going to break some mondaythroughfriday boards? Let's find out!!

Nope, same outfit. Christina, the ab helper (hairstylist and makeup artist to the 'rich and famous') is in a coordinating outfit of blue and black. Her blue halter tastefully shows off her dragon tattoo back piece. Again, no shoes. Bolts of energy shoot out through the mat?? I don't have an electric mat either.

Shilling that first DVD again I see. Oh, Dr.! You come off as desperate and shady when you do that, not strong and sexy! I just noticed that Christina also has a tasteful slit in the front of her shirt to show off what doesn't look like six-pack abs. Note to the Dr.: If you want people to think that your workout actually, you know, WORKS, you may want to hire already pumped people to do your workout. I'm just sayin'.

So, the actual exercises consist of really slow sit-ups and leg lifts while on your back. I suppose the being on your back part is the "sexy" of this section.

I really don't know how the Dr.'s helpers can keep from accidentally kicking her in the chin while she sits on her ass and tells them how to do the exercises while snapping her fingers and shilling product. I would KIYAHHH her right in the chin and then act like it was a spasm or something. Of course, I'm a huge bitch.

Back to Christina for a second. I'm betting that the rich and famous people that she does makeup and hair for probably consists of people whoring themselves on VH1.

The Dr. talks to Christina like a pageant stage Mom that speaks in that soft, condescending tone to everyone because she thinks it comes off as harmless. The reality is that you want to team up with a teenage Christian Slater and put Drain-O in her coffee cup.

BARBIE SIT UPS! Hold your arms like Barbie, you know, bent at the elbows and fingers together, and then sit up. The Dr. is snapping her damn fingers at Christina again. I would snap her fingers off and shove them up her arse.

Over already? I guess we'll move on to the lower body workout then. It promises fit and lean legs, hips and buns. I'm assuming here that buns is the strong and sexy codename for butt.

Another helper, another matching outfit of black and blue. Donna, is it? She's a certified financial planner and grandma of five! OOOOH! She travels the country teaching Poise and was the Dr.'s assistant for a while. Huh.

And we have fat rolls.

"Keep your ribcage up!" Really? I thought I'd just pull it out and sit it on the ground here since MY RIBCAGE ISN'T ATTACHED TO ME AT ALL AND YOU MAKE NO SENSE.

Donna is sitting on her ass and pulling her knee to her chest and then pushing it out flat. Now we have pulses and the puffing breaths of the Dr. while she snaps those damned fingers at Donna. Now we're switching sides.  "If you're crunching down, everything goes down very heavy." Um, yep. I've heard of gravity.

"All this is relaxed up here (gestures to face). It looks like you're having fun." It looks like Donna is trying to pop out a monster shit, but yes. You look like you're having fun being bossy and snapping those fingers. (I hate people snapping their fingers at me. Obviously!)

We have armpit stains!

Now we're on our backs (sexy!) and it looks very similar to Christina except we're holding our legs up while we lift our arms up and down like we might be trying to waft a fart in the other direction. The Dr. just made Donna stop so she could PHYSICALLY PUSH HER SHOULDER ON THE GROUND. Don't touch me, bitch! I'll strong and sexy that glitter garter around your throat.

Donna and Christina have fake boobs. It really has no bearing on the exercises, but I think it says something about how the Dr. operates.

I sort of miss the Forever Squats right about now.

At this point I'm more than convinced that I could do this workout the recommended three times a week.

The Dr. just SLAPPED THE GROUND AND DEMANDED DONNA GET UP. She did it in that little voice, but she SLAPPED THE GROUND. Really? Really.

Now they're doing the backward leg lift that I've seen in other workouts. Donna looks submissive there with her knees and elbows on the ground and her ass in the air. Again, this is part of the SEXY!

"Let it go, breathe. Be a ragdoll." O...kay? Apparently we aren't working the other side of the body...wait! We have doggy style position! We are working the other leg!

I imagine that after the helpers get done exercising the Dr. demands that they serve her water before the minions. She probably drinks her ice cold bottle of water in front of the dehydrated Donna, drops of condensation forming on the bottle's sides as she gulps the refreshing water. She probably drains a bottle and then gives Donna a room temperature water and snaps her fingers while allowing her to drink. Then the Dr. changes into a red and black body suit and tapes her soft-core Cinemax dominatrix show. You know, in my imagination.

Donna is my mirror. And Desmond is my constant.

The Dr. keeps saying we're almost done, but she is a lying liar with no concept of time or how shitty it is to lie to someone pulsing their leg in the air while leaning on their arm. She just said, "We're almost done. Almost, almost, almost. Not quite."

"Yay! You did a great job! You finished! One more stretch." Okay. We're really done now.

You really should check out the Poise website. Especially this page. More crazy in easy to use web form.

No comments:

Post a Comment