Things I Say to My Dog

We have a beagle named Wallace. He's the only one in the house that obeys me on a consistent basis. He is also the only one that follows me around all day, tripping me and wanting to be scratched behind the ears. Here are some things that I've said to him.

"Oh, I'm sorry. Did I wake you up? Well, tough shit because it's Lost Tuesday, bitch."

"Holy Lord, dog! Did you just fart? Maybe those refried beans I gave you were a bad idea..."

"STOP EATING THE CRUNCHY LAUNDRY RESIDUE THAT FELL OUT OF THE DRYER!"

"No. Go wipe your paws off first. NOOOO. I SAID GET THE MUD OFF OF YOUR PAWS FIRST!"

"Really? You'd rather eat this slice of bread than that chunk of chicken I just gave you? ARE YOU EVEN A REAL DOG??"

"Get away from my clothes. They just came out of the dryer and I would like to wear them before they start to smell like dog butt. Thanks so much."

I think I need more company during the days...and evenings.

This is not a book review

My 79 year old Pepaw fell and broke his leg on Tuesday. He was alone at his house when it happened. He felt the leg break and then crawled back to his house. He got to the phone and called...his buddies. "Where's a good place to get bones set?" he asked. Since he was asking in a normal tone of voice, Pepaw's buddy asked, "For your dog?", to which Pepaw replied, "No, for me."